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Literature by GetWatchers


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Submitted on
September 1
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I shake off the arms of the demons that are pulling me down
No I won't surrender and drown
I struggle to stand while their nails are digging deep in to my skin
Screaming loud just to block their poisonous whispers that hunt my mind
Looking around for the sunshine
Anything that can pull me out and help me escape those monsters that want to feed off my pain
As I wait my energy and strength begins to fade
I scream even louder but this time not to block the whispers but to cry for help
No I won't surrender and drown
Someone will come to hold me while I regain my strength back to fight and slay the evil demons
Minutes turn to months , time has weakened the hope I hold inside
There was no sunshine that killed away the darkness
There was no hands to pull me away from the dark hole
There was nothing but my echo screaming back at me
I don't want to surrender and drown
But no strength is left in me
And no one that cares enough to save me
well i guess we try to be there for our friends but we get distracted in our life, so i forgive my friends that weren't there when i needed them to be. I was able to survive after writing this old poem, i wrote it 2 years ago.
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:iconalessiah:
Dear Reham-Y, while I was reading your poem, I could clearly feel your strong emotions converted to powerful verses. The most highlighted verse is: "I struggle to stand while their nails are digging deep in to my skin/ Screaming loud just to block their poisonous whispers that hunt my mind/ Looking around for sunshine./" This is really good personification of the thoughts, and the mataphoric verses are really well done.
And contrast gives this poem artistic and picturesque value, while time pharses "Minutes turned into months, time has weakned the hope I hold inside" is really emotional and clearly shows that as the time goes on and on, people lose their spirit and hope and they succumb to evil that sorrounds them.
The last 2 verses reminded me of phrase: "I don't need less burden. I need stronger backs to carry thy burden" And peom clearly shows that friends often disappear when you need them the most: it is sad truth that you exposed in the most beautiful way I have ever seen.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
11 out of 11 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconamanda-graham:
I agree with the previous critic's overall assessment of the emotional impact of the work ... offering only the following small editing observations (*eyeroll* at 'pedantic.me). There are so very many highly trained and more experienced observers on dA that there is a hesitancy to what i have to say ...

small edit observations:

line three "digging deep into my skin" does not change the flow or pronounced pace.

line six "energy and strength begin"<.I> pluralities.

line ten "while I regain my strength to fight back and" there is an awkwardness to your original grammar that induces a stutter in the reader's mouth and mind; and does not convey the proper emphasis of your intent.

line eleven ", " the introduction of a leading space to the ',' again induces a visual stutter.

line twelve; your "that killed away the darkness" this is purely a stylistic observation ... there is a mouthed and mental awkwardness here ... you might consider reworking the words some to even the flow.

line thirteen "there were no hands" singular to plural.


The work as a whole, and this is purely a sort of ... impact style observation. Poetry needs have a certain 'musicality' to it; representing as it does the spoken mouthed beauty of the poetess's voice. I would suggest that at some future time when you revisit this lovely work you might fragment it, splitting each single lined 'punch' into smaller bits of tone, of whisper, of moan and shout.

I know that most poetry now presented by so many are fragmented, meant to follow the spoken auditory patterns ... and therefore might have become far too common. i would suggest, however, you examine that technique to invest this work with more of the auditory song quality that poetry so beautifully communicates.

It's a beautiful thing that you're composed; a lovely hurt bird. Thank you so much for sharing it here and keep writing ... there's much of you to adore.

Mandy
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconrhealyrinassaine:
RheaLyrinAssaine Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2014  Student Writer
Your poem is well written. The only thing I see is when you say in varies of spots that you are looking for sunshine, yet none appears I think you did a great job on spacing those things out. It shows that the person in the poem is looking for any type of hope that she may be able to gain. Great job.
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:iconapparitionraid:
ApparitionRaid Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Strong, deep, powerful, and very touching........I like it. I like it a lot. If you ever need someone im here. :heart:
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:iconreham-y:
Reham-Y Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you very very much. and that so sweet of you I really appreciate it Hug 
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:iconapparitionraid:
ApparitionRaid Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
It's my pleasure :)
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:iconwheresajacket:
WheresAJacket Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
powerful indeed
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:iconreham-y:
Reham-Y Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you, i'm glad you think so :)
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:iconmary-jose:
Mary-Jose Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
'Beatyful' (of course NOT the message behind it).. !! It is spoken from the soul Hug Hug 
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:iconreham-y:
Reham-Y Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
aww thank you so much, that means a lot to me Hug 
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:iconmary-jose:
Mary-Jose Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You are welcome !! I care !  Hug and 'see'.Huggle! 
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:iconreham-y:
Reham-Y Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
aww thanks Huggle! 
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